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| THE MOMINATRIX |
| WHY do people insist on saying the most inane things to mothers, mothers-to-be, and - let's face it - women in general? "Beats me," you say? That's where THE MOMINATRIX comes in. Listen, learn and hold that door open for that stroller. Now. |
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Mama-to-Be: Fondle Back.
Mama-To-Be: It's ALL about the baby shower. NEVER say to a pregnant lady, "You're huge!" Let the pregnant lady eat in peace. Get up. Pregnancy is not an illness. Nursing is not a criminal act. Back off. If it takes a village to raise a child, don't be the village idiot. So why not pee in the street? Mama-to-Be: Fondle Back. When that total stranger reaches out to rub your hard, expanding belly, do what the Mominatrix did. Rub theirs back. Trust me. The horrified expression you'll get back is worth all the swollen ankles and stretch marks in the world! Back to Top Mama-To-Be: It's ALL about the baby shower. Register. Don't be shy. Even the Mominatrix was when standing befuddled at the gruesomely named Buy Buy Baby with the UPC gun in hand and a million garish products swirling around. Do yourself a favor and sign up with a personal shopper. They'll take you gently around to every nook & cranny of the store so you know where everything is for later when Rosebud is screaming and you're in a panic. She'll tell you what you need, even items you'll be shaking your head at ("why would we ever need one of those?" or "who would ever pay $100 for one of THOSE?") and you'll be delighted when Rosebud is six months old and you're using every blessed thing people were happily generous enough to get you. PLUS they have a website so you can track what you'll be getting! The fun surprise is figuring out who got you what. One of the most brilliant pieces of advice I received was from Yaya, who said, "lnvite everyone you care about to the baby shower. 99% of your far-and-dear ones can't and won't come, but they'll all send you something from your registry because they WANT to be part of your life right now." Trust me, if you're anything like the Mominatrix was at the beginning, it takes more than a Village... it takes a Mall. Back to Top NEVER say to a pregnant lady, "You're huge!" Aside from the obvious bone-headed reason that she may not even BE pregnant, what makes you think that any woman wants to know that she's grown to the size of a Cooper Mini? There are three and only three things to ever say to someone 'in the family way': (1) "You look beautiful!" (2) "You are so full of life, you're glowing!" or (3) "What can I get you?" Back to Top Let the pregnant lady eat in peace. "MORE cake?" are words never to be uttered to someone carrying a bowling ball in their kishkas. Yes, some of us gain 40...50...60 pounds during the ten months it takes to make a precious dumpling. Guess what? It's not your problem. Back to Top Get up. When you see a pregnant lady on the train, give her your seat. Jeez. Where were you brought up? ME-ville? Narcissustown? Get off your ass. Back to Top Pregnancy is not an illness. Yes, pregnant ladies work out. They do yoga. They ride bikes. The Mominatrix did until the day before she gave birth. You would have thought a crime was being perpetrated. Almost daily, strangers said, "Do you have any IDEA how dangerous that is?" with horror etched in their ovine faces. Why is it we don't trust that a woman has any common sense once her waistline gets bigger than her bra size? Or visa versa... Back to Top Nursing is not a criminal act. Back off. WHY, in supposeddly the biggest and brightest nation on Earth, are we such morons about the best possible way to grow a healthy child? From "Third World" mamas with nothing to wealthy Scandinavian mamas with more than enough to share, from the World Health Organization to non-doctor visiting Christian Scientists, EVERYONE understands that nursing promotes optimal physical, emotional, psychological and dental health. Researchers agree that the earliest age to begin weaning (unless the mother can't take it anymore, of course) is two years. Our society should REVERE the women who make that personal sacrifice and offer any mother flowers, treats and baubles whenever we see one feeding a bright new American in the way that nature intended. Don't EVEN try and tell me that the only nursing woman that can be worshiped is in a church or art gallery. Blow it out your bubble pipe, Jack. Back to Top If it takes a village to raise a child, don't be the village idiot. Hey, Non-parent! Simply hold your tongue. It's that easy. Guess what? Children are messy and loud. It's part of learning how to be a civilized adult. Mothering is hard and exhausting. Fathering, too. Have a little patience with your friend who is now doing the hardest thing ever attempted. JUST SHUT UP AND MIX THE COCKTAILS! Back to Top So why not pee in the street? Face it. You're potty training. Dumpling has refused to go at any point while you were at the restaurant with the clean, well-lit and eco-friendly facility. You're walking halfway between there and home when that sweet little voice demands, "I have to go!" There is nothing, I mean nothing decent in sight. So, there's a tree. The kind that city dogs scratch'n'sniff and water every ten minutes. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, so I hoisted her fab purple pants down and held her just above the cigarette butts. Well, you would have thought I was skinning cats for sport on 4th Avenue. The looks! The snide comments! The woman who sneered - to my face - "that is barbaric". I was so shocked by the vehemence of the reactions that I could only acertain that I'd done something that rent the very fabric of society. But who was it so barbaric to, I still can't figure? The peed-on tree? Ruby? Our glistening and pristine civilization? This is not an answer. Just my own question. But I do hold her just so in between two parked cars now for the 18 seconds it takes. There's a lot less complaining. I guess somehow it's more fitting to see a desperate mother in the gutter. Back to Top |
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